It’s Like Driving With a Senior Citizen

It’s like riding in a car with an old person driving: that’s how it feels dealing with my dog Ridley.  You want to scream at them: “just make the fucking turn!”  There’s no traffic coming in either direction, but they don’t want to make a move because they feel like every move they make could be their last.  Even if you drive into oncoming traffic I’d be satisfied because you made a decision.  Drive over the fire hydrant and into a crowd of frightened children and that’s alright by me.  Congratulations on doing something because life isn’t meant to run at a standstill.  Imagine if it was.  It’s enough to drive you absolutely nuts.  Imagine walking down the street every day behind five old ladies with walkers and you might come upon the precipice of how it feels to deal with Riddles.

Now there’s something that’s almost as annoying as dealing with Ridley and that’s dealing with all of the politics that’s going on right now.  It’s about 4 p.m. on a Sunday and I’ve already received eight separate e-mails from the Democratic party.  I’m sure it’s no better being a Republican, I’m told they get an average of twelve a day (which I guess is one of the few advantages of being a Democrat?) but it seems excessive regardless of which party is hitting you up for cash.  This brings me to my next complaint: why are politicians still raising money?  There’s ten days until the election and both parties have more than one hundred million dollars cash on hand.  Are you really going to blow through one hundred million dollars in ten days?  And if you’re going to run through all that cash what in the hell are you going to spend it on: drugs, booze and hookers?  If so, hang on a minute because I’ve got a bridge to sell you…

Being at school is no better.  I love how no one seems to be in a rush to go anywhere or do anything, which gives them plenty of time to deal with whatever catastrophe has befallen their phone.  I swear you’d think these folks are the busiest people on the face of the Earth when you watch them attack their phones.  Yet it’s such an androgynous activity now that I feel like an old person just by critiquing it.  Those damn young people and their technology!  It’s not like I don’t spend time on my phone, I do, but every second that I spend on my phone is a second that has been wasted.  That’s the frustrating thing.  You’re not accomplishing anything.  Even if you’re checking your e-mail or what not, it takes you ten times longer to do anything on your phone than it would take you to do it via any other means.  Making a phone call takes more time because then you’ve got to put all your app activities on hold for a minute.  It all feels like some huge scam that phone companies are in on just to give their product some modern day relevance.  That makes sense though in it’s own screwed up little way however.  Phones aren’t really phones anymore as they’re not used to make phone calls anymore.  They’re more like personal time wasting devices that double as phones.  In fact you could take the phone aspect out of the phone and it would still have a purpose to 99% of it’s owners.  Which bring me to my broader point which is my inherent problem with people in general.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate people, I just don’t like them very much.  I’m fairly ambivalent about that fact.

It’s not that people don’t have their redeeming qualities, they do, but those qualities usually aren’t enough to make up for all the things they do that piss me off.  Take this fellow who walked into my backyard and tried to have a little chat with me while I was playing with my dog.  I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice guy and everything, but I’m standing in my back yard listening to my iPod and throwing a ball for my dog.  You just need to take my word for it that a conversation with you is the last thing that I want to do.  By the way, that’s something you don’t generally see and normally I’d be suspicious of a character like that if today were any day but Halloween.  Halloween is the only day of the year when someone can come walking onto your yard dressed as a police officer and you don’t have that immediate instinct to run the other way.  I don’t know maybe that last one is just me, but the police are never you’re friend especially when they’re acting like they’re your friend, no what I mean?

Now maybe all of this is coming at you like a bunch of crap and I totally understand that point of view if that’s the one that you have, but you’ve got to understand that the world is a place that’s better off when you don’t engage with it.  The guy that “wandered” into my backyard (a very convenient excuse indeed) wanted to know what time trick or treat started and I was ready to go all Clint Eastwood on him and tell him to get off of my lawn until I realized that “going Clint Eastwood” on someone means something completely different after the Republican National Convention.  Let’s just say I didn’t want to have to go all the way inside to grab a chair to yell at.  So I told him that trick or treat didn’t start for some time yet (as could be evidenced by my very presence outside, interacting with the world) but that’s another subject entirely.  People try to convince me all the time that my fellow man is, at his core, basically good and I get the Sesame Street nature of your point, but that doesn’t make me any more inclined to believe it even if Mitt Romney is threatening their funding.

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