Ten Things I hate to Admit


If you approach me before my second cup of coffee expect a harsh reaction.  I’m not fully awake until I’ve been “up” for at least two hours.  Rarely does anything important get done before two in the afternoon in my world so adjust your expectations accordingly.  How you approach me and when you approach me will be vital to your success.  I’m a very moody person and I tend to go with the flow.

Gay guys find me incredibly attractive.  I avoid shopping malls for this reason.  Many of my female friends are embarrassed to go shopping with me because if we stop at Wilson’s Leather or Bed, Bath & Beyond it’ll be a free for all.  Some people have suggested that I simply go shopping with my gay friends.  That sounds like a great idea if you’ve never done it.  If you’ve ever gone shopping with a gay guy or worse a group of gay men then you know that this quickly turns into Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and you’ll be going home with a brand new wardrobe that you have no idea what to do with.  I’ve been told that gay guys are attracted to me because of my dominant personality and the way that I carry myself.  One person told me he’d totally be gay if he had the kind of guys hitting on him that I get hitting on me to which I usually have to explain that being gay isn’t a choice to which they always respond: “sure, I bet you’d totally go home with that.”  What is wrong with people?

My carbon footprint is likely equivalent to that of a dinosaur, wooly mammoth, or some other enormous extinct animal.  I use a lot of paper.  I’m a writer so I have to use a lot of paper.  People oftentimes ask why I can’t just edit stuff on the computer to which I say: for reasons that should be self-explanatory editing a piece of paper is different than editing a computer screen.  I believe in a three step writing process and I’m aware that this may not be eco-friendly but writing is what I do.  We all do at least one thing that isn’t great for the environment so I say let me do my job or better yet stop telling me how to do my job.  The three step writing process that I’ve used since fifth grade is the one that’s most effective for me.  I first write out with a pen on paper whatever it is that I’m working on.  I then type it up.  Finally I look at what I’ve written and check for continuity and what I call content conclusions or what could perhaps better be referred to as the progression of my prose.  It’s important that your work develops both as you write, as you type, and as you read it.  Your writing should evolve in each of these steps and should get better as you move through each stage.

I talk to animals like they’re three year olds.  A lot of pet owners do this with the knowledge that it infinitely annoys the non-pet-owning public.  Karl Marx believed that in order to truly liberate the Proletariat from the shackles that the world places on them that they needed to engage in a class struggle with the bourgeouise.  I believe a similar conflict exists between pet owners and the non-pet-owning people of the world.  People who don’t own pets are statistically more likely to: be less open-minded, less forgiving, less tolerant, and some psychiatrists believe (and I would agree with this) less happy.  I don’t just talk to my pets like they’re three year old children because it upsets the non-pet-owning public, I do it because it’s a creative outlet for me.  It’s always been this way.  Part of this is the Aspergers believe it or not.  Many Aspergers sufferers do this kind of thing with their pets be it with nicknames or other word games.  I even know people who talk to their pets in other languages.  It’s always an interesting thing to watch.  There are a select few who believe that their German Shepherds for instance only understands German but these people usually use this as an excuse for their dog’s poor behavior.  I know a dog owner who whole-hearedly believes that his dog looks both ways before crossing the street.  Never underestimate the ability of the human mind to rationalize what would normally be construed as unbelievable or unfathomable behavior.

I have dated women simply because they have great musical tastes.  I don’t know why music is such a dealmaker and dealbreaker in relationships but I use it occasionally to build relationships and these relationships usually last longer than those based on something else.  I can’t date people who like country music for instance.  That says a lot about where your values are.  If you think that beer, horses, and trucks are best enjoyed together we likely won’t get along.

I am not an approachable person but for some reason I seem to come off that way.  Knowing when to approach me is everything.  Approach me at the right time and there’s little I won’t do for you.  Approach me at the wrong time and heaven help you because I sure as hell won’t.  Suffering from Aspergers and Depression has made me more cognizant of how important my mood is to my attitude.  This doesn’t mean that I deal with either better than I used to or anything, but I am at least aware that the two are linked.

I live my life for an audience of one.  In my opinion this is how everyone should live their life.  If I see potential somewhere I will live life so it makes for the better story because that is the only other way you should live your life.  Doing good for others is cool and everything.  I’m sure it probably makes you feel good and stuff but Hedonism is the way to go no doubt about it.

I love working with dirt.  I don’t know why I enjoy this so much, I think it has something to do with my love of building, but I’m fascinated by anything that lets me build something.  It hits all my creative buttons and lets my brain burn off a lot of energy in the process.  If you told me to dig a ditch that wasn’t going to be used as my own grave I’d be perfectly happy to oblige.  A six by four foot hole isn’t that difficult to dig and it gives you lots of time to think, which oftentimes is why you’re digging that hole to begin with.

If I had all the money in the world, an endless supply of resources and the required manpower to work on it I would spend all of my time on creating four twenty-five episode seasons of sixty minute Living History episodes.  If I could do anything it would be that.  I spend at least fifty percent of my time thinking about it, developing it etc.  There are days where I’m convinced that I’m so in love with this series that no woman could possibly compete.  Most people respond to the “if you had all the money you needed what would you do?” question by saying they’d travel, buy a nice car, pay off the mortgage or just payoff loans in general and don’t get me wrong I love to travel but I have come to realize that I love Living History more.  I love the characters, I love the time period, I love the stories that they get to get involved in and I love the comedy that can be created when these things come together.  Living History combines all my talents: my encyclopedic knowledge of American history and my excellent writing and storytelling abilities to create something truly unique and worthwhile.  I hope that everyone gets the opportunity to watch at least one episode of Living History in their lives.  It is my greatest love and in kind, my greatest pursuit.

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