The Reductive Process of Online Dating

2015-04-25 20_23_48-Red carpet at the 2015 White House Correspondents' Dinner & parties

There are a couple things I don’t want to read on your online profile. The first is how embarrassed you are to be doing this. That roughly translates to: eww, the people on here are so sad and pathetic which is great for my self-confidence, thanks. Don’t tell me that you’re willing to lie about how we met. Again, I’m on here, you’re on here neither of us should be ashamed about it. I can think of a couple places where I’d be embarrassed to say I’d met you, but online isn’t one of them. If I met you at a One Direction concert for instance or the New Kids on the Block reunion tour that’s something I’d want to avoid talking about. If we met at a gloryhole or strip club (hey, I wouldn’t want to bad mouth your former career.) I’ve met girls on Instagram, Facebook, even Pinterest because we both know you didn’t add that board about your swimsuits so you could show off the new collection from Victoria’s Secret.

Also, I don’t want to hear about how you’re currently “a nanny and loving it.” Less than fifty percent of people are happy with their jobs and the other forty-nine percent are lying. Don’t be a part of that forty-nine percent is all I’m saying. Likewise if you’re looking for a guy to show you that chivalry still exists I’m going to lecture you on what medieval chivalry actually was because it’s not something that anyone should want in their lives (unless you’re a big fan of posers in which case I already don’t want to talk to you.) Oh, do you love to travel too? That’s so weird because so does everyone else on the planet. I really want to hear about how sarcastic you are, but then don’t get my sarcastic joke about something in your profile. That’s such a turn-on.

I’m going to explain how guys approach online dating because I think this is something that a lot of women think they get when they really don’t. First, most of us aren’t looking for a hookup even if we say we are. I can’t imagine propositioning a woman this way, but I’ve met guys who do and think it’s hilarious for some reason. I get where you’re coming from. It’s disrespectful and it may even be a sign of how they’d treat you down the road, but the truth is you don’t know what lies in front of you. If we meet on Tinder or some other app that requires little work or active engagement don’t act like you’re so above it all. Guys swipe right based on a system of hit it or quit it and that judgment is usually based on your first pic and your first pic only. I don’t have time to go through all my Tinder matches and look at all your pictures. Do you have any idea how many people are on there? If I did that I wouldn’t have time to do anything else. Therefore I swipe right if I’d hit and left if I wouldn’t. It may seem arbitrary (and it is) or even a little sexist (which it is also), but it’s the way it works.
Don’t swipe right and then be a part of that eighty percent of people in my connections who don’t talk to me. I know women aren’t supposed to talk to the guy first, but there’s a good chance that if I don’t talk to you within forty-eight hours of matching with you then there’s not a lot to talk about based on your profile. So, if I can’t easily message you about something in your profile pics or something in your profile how am I supposed to know anything about you other than the fact that we both are into each other in a way that is totally superficial? That was more of one of those existential questions than one I’d expect anyone to answer. If we both swipe right though most of us do go through and try to find something that we have in common, which is why it’s critical to say more about yourself than your Instagram handle.

If we’re on an actual dating site like POF or something and I’ve messaged you despite your unsanctioned love of the color pink or Jesus Christ it means that I like you in spite of those things not because of them. This is where a little logic is required in the dating game. How many straight guys do you know who wear pink in any shape or form? If you walk around singing “Jesus is just alright with me” I’m going to assume that you either have a personality disorder or are schizophrenic. Religion isn’t exactly a first date conversation for most people so why would you put that on your profile? Do you know what the two most divisive issues in American culture are? Yep, you guessed it: politics and religion. There are two topics that I avoid talking about on a first date. Care to take a gander as to what they are? Again, logic is what’s important here not your values. I don’t care if you believe that your religion gives you a solid moral framework with which to live your life because I don’t need religion to give me a moral framework of any kind. This is because I have a conscience and so do most people. Don’t assume that your beliefs are the only ones that can lead to someone being a good, honest, and authentic human being.

Finally, let me tell you a couple ways to get a guy’s attention that don’t require you sending naked pictures of yourself (even if you’re into that sort of thing.) Talk to him about music. If you meet someone who can’t name the three songs that are giving them joy at this exact moment then they are living in a world that is probably consumed by either video games or too much time at work. Those are two types of guys you probably don’t want in your life. I could easily talk about music for the entire first date (and have actually) so this is one of those red flags that people are so fond of talking about. Some other good ways to get a guy’s attention are to act differently around him. You can do this by asking unconventional questions like: where was the coolest place you traveled? What was the last movie you saw? What do you think about the geopolitical situation in Ukraine? You know, stuff that really makes someone think. And if you get passed those first couple questions don’t let the conversation fizzle after twenty-four hours. If you exchanged ninety-two messages over twenty-four hours I’m going to give you a hint: he was into you. But, as guys we don’t like to get stuck doing all the work all the time. So, put a little effort into keeping him engaged because the best thing that someone can let me know within the first week or so of getting to know someone is that they’re interested.

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