Five Things Wrong With Your Online Dating Profile


You’re a Basic Bitch

This is a real problem and it seems to infect about 85% of profiles out there. Let’s be clear right off the top that I can’t make you not be a basic bitch. That’s incurable according to recent studies. I can help you seem less un-appealing though and that’s all anyone can do for you really. In all honesty you should probably be quarantined until they find a cure for your basicness.

You Say You Love Your Job When You Don’t

Are you working in retail and loving it? No one loves their job. That’ just an incorrect use of the word: love. Would you do your job for free? No? Then it’s a goddamn job and you don’t “love” it. And no one loves working retail. No one. Even Target’s CEO goes home and drinks vodka right from the bottle after work in order to drown his misery. Then he goes and sleeps in a bed of his own tears. That’s how retail works. A good job gives you a sense of purpose or a means to an end, but no one “loves” their job.

You Love Staying in and Going out.

That tells me absolutely nothing about you other than you’re already trying to tell me what you think I want to hear. I don’t care if you like going out or not all I care about is whether you’ll go out with me. Will you sacrifice a Friday or Saturday night in order to get to know someone? If the answer is no then you should really quit disillusioning yourself that you’re going to find your soul mate on Tinder. Even if you’re a routine freak like I am you should still be willing to break routine for the right person.

You Think Loving Comic Book Movies Makes you a “Nerd” and OMG You’re Such a Dork, Like How Embarrassed are you to be Writing That?

If you love comic book movies you’re not a nerd you’re in the mainstream of moviegoers who think that these cinematic catastrophes sanctifies them as somehow “not normal” (see: you’re a basic bitch above.) Comic book people are the norm nowadays. A nerd is someone who’s obsessed with academics or reading history books and Shakespeare. I know because I was one in college and contrary to popular belief it’s not a compliment. Just because you wear glasses and have a Batman t-shirt does not mean you’re a nerd. Quite the opposite in fact.

Your Profile Pictures Suck

It has never been easier to take pictures. Most of us walk around all day with a device that has a camera built-in to it. There is no excuse not to have flattering pictures of yourself on your profile. Find some decent lighting and take a decent picture. No one cares if you have a ton of friends (unless they’re a basic bitch.) I don’t need to see pictures of every national monument either. Why this became a requirement is something that defies both logic and human understanding. Also, I don’t care what your dog looks like. I have dogs too, but you don’t see them in every picture I take. Imagine if I had pictures of all five of my dogs as my profile pics. That shows you absolutely nothing about me other than the fact I have a lot of pets. Guys judge you primarily by your profile pics, so rather than spending all your time apologizing for how “new to this” fad you are that started over ten years ago take some decent pictures and let your pics do the talking.

There’s another reason that a majority of online profiles suck, but this one is going to get a lot of hate. It needs to be said though. It’s because you’re fat. Don’t say you’re “fine with it” because we all know you’re not. We all want someone who’s physically attractive. You can’t say that all men are shallow for wanting to date someone they’re attracted to. I’ve dated skinny women I wasn’t attracted to and that doesn’t work any better. Please don’t say that if we’d only get to know the “real you” we’d love you. That’s simply not true because we’d be unable to get past how fat you are. I understand how superficial this sounds, but not taking care of your body is not a turn on.

I understand how politically incorrect it is for me to say this, but it doesn’t change the fact they it’s true. Also, being fat is not a body type. Have you ever seen plus-size models? Those women are hot. That’s because they’re not fat. Don’t say it’s because they’re “confident” because that’s not it at all. They care about their bodies and they take care of themselves. There’s a very real difference between being a big woman and being fat. I know a lot of attractive women who aren’t skinny and it’s precisely because they’re not fat that they’re beautiful. They take care of themselves. It’s not okay for you to use the fact that you’re fat as an excuse for why you’re single. You’re simply using the fact that you’re fat not to try hard at dating just like you don’t try hard at dieting or staying in shape.

When you’re putting together a profile you should center it around five really awesome pictures of yourself and five things that you’re really passionate about. I usually talk about my love of storytelling, my interest in academic pursuits or knowledge of any kind, Netflix, the problems I’m facing with whatever writing project I’m working on or how I’m not doing as much hiking as I should be doing to work on my photography. Do you see how interesting that was? I told you most of the major points you should know about me and you now have five things you can use as conversation starters. That’s how dating is supposed to work. You tell me what gets you going in the morning and I tell you what drives me everyday. Then we take it from there. Next time you’re filling out an online dating profile just focus on the pics and the five things going on in your life that are authentic to who you are. You’d be surprised just how far it takes you.


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